Trees
are going up, Santa is on every corner and parties are everywhere. But
Christmas is also a very difficult time for so many people. Please
remember to keep them in your hearts.
I wrote this short story ten years ago and thought I would share it this week. I hope you enjoy.
The Fix-It Box
by Kelly Gamble
Poker
in hand, I watch as the small fire burns in the fireplace. I can attack
the logs and attempt to stir the flames, or I can let them die
naturally. This is my first fire, and I'm not very good at it.
Frustrated, I lie in the middle of the floor, small bicycle parts
surrounding me, strung in every direction. With Christmas morning only
hours away, I am considering giving up. I am not much of a single
parent, and would have never chosen to be one. But David made that
choice for me.
Slowly,
the fire burns, hanging on to what life it has. I try not to focus on
the dancing flames. They entrance me and keep me from the task at hand.
As is typical of this time of year, my mind is flooded with memories
and although I am trying to focus on the assembly of my son’s bicycle, I
am overwhelmed by the thoughts of those who have tried to help me over
the past year.
My
family has tried to convince me that I am not to blame. They tell me
that I should get on with my life and try to forget the past. My father
calls David a coward; my mother never mentions his name. Jacob, my
brother, at a loss for anything else to say, simply reminds me in his
cheerful tone to ‘keep my chin up.’ None of them will be over for
Christmas this year.
I
look at the directions again, this time attempting the Spanish version.
I don't speak Spanish, but it sure can't hurt. My anger grows as I
realize what a waste of time this is. I at least need tools, but I can't
bring myself to go to the shed where David kept his fix-it box. That
was his place, and I'm not ready to enter it.
I
have talked to three counselors. They wait while I voice my questions,
then wait again for me to answer them myself. If I had the answers, why
would I spend what little money I have on them? I have quit going to
therapy, quit trying to make sense of the nonsensical. There are no
answers. He left no note, he showed no sign that he was unhappy.
Although I have never considered death a choice, it is the choice David
made.
I
consider throwing the directions in the fire. There are too many
pieces; the puzzle is too much for me. Instead, I regain my supine
position amongst the parts and cover my eyes with the paper.
I
try not to think selfishly, but it's the little things I miss the most.
Someone to change the light bulbs, to fix the television, to make sure
the oil is changed in the car; someone to put a bicycle together for our
eight-year-old son. Jimmy. He's now the man in the family and tries to
protect and comfort me. It's hard for me to look at him sometimes. I
can't remember when I last saw him smile.
As
I lay among the pieces, I scream. "I hate you for what you did to us!"
Then I curl into a ball, crying myself to sleep as I often do; missing
David's smile, his scent, his touch.
I
wake when I feel a cold chill as the front door opens. I turn as I hear
it close, and see my husband, dressed for the weather, standing in the
entry. As he removes his coat, he looks at me and forces a smile. I
cannot speak. Closer, closer he moves toward me and sits with me
amongst the puzzle. He looks into my eyes, and touches my cheek.
"I'm sorry," he whispers with finality, as if there is nothing more to say.
I
have no way to respond. I watch silently as he begins putting together
the bike, using the tools from the fix-it box he thought to get from the
shed. He talks as he works, showing me how to use the many gadgets that
are in his precious box. "You can fix just about anything with this
stuff," he says as he begins replacing the tools in their designated
slots.
"But not everything," I manage to whisper.
I
want to know why he chose to leave us, but I am afraid to ask. More
importantly, desperately, I just want him to stay. Without looking into
his face, I say, "I can't do this without you."
He
leans toward me, gently kisses my forehead and traces the tear that
runs down my cheek. "I will always love you," he whispers as he stands
and turns to leave. As I feel the cold chill of winter rush in again, I
realize David has no answers. There is no reason, no resolution. If
he cannot account for his actions, why do I continue to expect an
explanation? I cannot continue to allow myself to die inside because he
chose not to live. Suicide was David’s choice; it is not mine.
I
wake Christmas morning to the sound of Jimmy running down the hall. I'm
sure I look a fright, still in my clothes from the night before, but
Jimmy's eyes are focused on the bike: or what resembles one. He kisses
me on the forehead, just as his father used to do, and says “Merry
Christmas, Mommy.”
It
is our first winter without David. The laughter that had always filled
our home on Christmas Day isn't present this year. I go to the restroom
to clean myself up and take a long look in the mirror. I am here, I am
alive, and I can do this. I dress and comb my hair, and Jimmy and I
make the best of our party of two.
The gifts are all open, but one small box remains under the tree. Jimmy picks it up and hands it to me. "It's for you."
I tremble slightly, holding the small gift in my hand. "Open it," Jimmy urges.
Inside the box is a small key, one that I recognize. I pick it up, hoping its weight isn't more than I can bear.
"It's
the key to Daddy's fix-it box," Jimmy says softly. "If we learn how to
use all that stuff, maybe we can fix some things, too." He glances
briefly at the bicycle, and then lowers his eyes, cautiously waiting for
my response.
I
gently take him in my arms, feeling a tear trace the same path that it
had the night before. "Thank you, Jimmy. It's perfect."
As
I rock my son, I clutch the key tightly in my hand, wishing the items
inside the box could fix everything. I glance at my fire, which
struggled through the night but survived. I have to smile.
I have the tools. It's time to learn how to use them.
******************
