The Fifth Semester: A Writing/Residency Program

Do you want help with your writing but can't seem to find a mentor or a program that fits your lifestyle or your skill level? The Fifth Semester is worth looking into. In fact, I don't 'highly recommend' much, but if I were to design what I considered the perfect writing program, this would be it. Well, maybe I'd add men in kilts, but other than that, The Fifth Semester is the perfect writing program for anyone who wants to write a book or improve their craft. 

Even though the website has a wealth of information, I always like to know more. The Directors of The Fifth Semester were kind enough to answer all of my questions, and I'm passing this information on to you. Check out the website, read the questions and answers below, and if you want more information, email them today.

I'm going to put my disclaimer right here: I have no financial interest in this program whatsoever. My interest is in good writing. Many writers want help; they need help. I have worked with three of the five faculty members listed for The Fifth Semester and can honestly say without them, I would not be where I am now--and I'm in a good place.
  
 Sure, Craig Childs made me eat a rock, but it did make that chapter sing!

IS THIS ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE AN MFA?

No not at all. It’s really for anyone who has a book idea, a few chapters or manuscript that they have always wanted to work on but don’t know where to go next.  It’s for dreamers and do-ers and writers who are serious about giving the writing dream a real go. People who appreciated a well-organized program that doesn’t waste their time or money.

DO I NEED TO HAVE A MANUSCRIPT IN HAND WHEN I DO THIS, OR CAN I WRITE ONE IN THE FOUR MONTHS?

The program adapts to wherever a writer is on the path to publishing. If you come to us with an idea, we’ll talk about how to make that idea a book and then put you in front of publishing professionals to get their take on it. If you come with a full manuscript, we will help you put the finishing polish on it, set it up for the query and pitch, and then give you time with editors and agents to hear their honest thoughts. Fifth Semester instructors have already successfully navigated this landscape and are doing it themselves, every day, as they continue to publish.

Ann Wertz Garvin

WILL YOU CODDLE ME ALL THE WAY?

Ann was given a great compliment about her teaching recently by a former student who said, “You don’t pamper but you’re not a bitch either. You support and encourage and then step in when needed.” This is exactly how we teach at The Fifth Semester.

We’re writers, so we know how personal writing can be. But we’re writers, so we also know what it takes to win over agents, editors, and readers. We’ll walk this very fine line with your project, and in doing so, give you the best value for your money and best shot at publication.

THAT’S A LOT OF MONEY. CAN YOU GUARANTEE SOMEONE WILL PUBLISH MY BOOK?

What is it that Clint Eastwood once said — If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster? All kidding aside, some students will find agents and editors interested in their work (check out the Feathers in Our Cap for a few examples). But publishing is a wild and fickle business, and we can’t guarantee representation.  What we can guarantee is this: we will work our absolute hardest to help make your manuscript as attractive as possible to agents and editors, and when it’s all over, you’ll have information, understanding, and the inside track on publishing. You will meet publishing professionals and have real conversations with them that are not limited to pitching your work in a 5-minute “speed dating” set-up. That’s a combination you can’t get from a book editor or conference alone.

WHAT KIND OF ‘WORKSHOPS’ ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

We will have writing workshops that focus on the craft of prose, plot, and point of view presented in such a way that even authors who come in strong on these aspects will become stronger writers. We love talking about description, conflict, emotion, and even, at times, humor. At the second residency we will discuss platform, promotion, social media, and the business of writing. And, some of the best fun comes when we help authors craft their query, build their agent list and practice pitching.

HOW MANY STUDENTS ARE AT EACH RESIDENCY?

Student numbers will vary. Depending on lodging and instructor availability we may have as few as eight or  as many as twenty.

IS THERE A PAYMENT PLAN AVAILABLE? SCHOLARSHIPS? FINANCIAL AID?

Students can put a (non-refundable) $500 down to hold a spot, with the balance due on the first of the month BEFORE their chosen semester begins (for example: if a particular semester begins on August 4th, payment in full is due by July  1st). We are working to find a source of scholarships. That is our next plan!

IS FOOD INCLUDED IN THE RESIDENCY FEE?

It’s probably easier to talk about what isn’t included in the $3,980. Residency fees include all lodging for both the Chicago and NYC long weekends, as well as a light breakfast, catered lunch, and a hor d’overes and wine reception each night at both residencies. We want people to have free time at night to eat together or apart from the group, and if they’d like, to try out the local dining scene. There are restaurants near both residency locations for easy take-out or eating in, and public transportation abounds.

WHAT GENRE/GENRES DO YOU WORK WITH? OR PREFER?

Our instructors have taught and published across genres. If you have a project in a genre or sub-genre that we aren’t as familiar with, we’ll get an instructor on board who is.

I WANT TO SELF PUBLISH. IS THIS STILL FOR ME?

Yes! Self-publishing requires all of the same things as traditional publishing: a great story, flawlessly-told, and the ability to both understand book publicity and execute a marketing plan.

COFFEE OR TEA?

What, no wine? What do you have against wine? Seriously, though, we’ll provide all of the glass-worthy things a writer might need to write. And snacks, to boot.

CAN I BRING MY WIFE? KID? DOG?

No. We’re sure they’re lovely, but no. This is your time for you to focus on writing. Your time. Out there is their time. (Goonies reference, anyone?)

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NO VAN GOGH

Almost four novels written. The first one I don't usually count, because even divine intervention  couldn't fix that, but novels two and three are pretty good (if I do say so myself, which, I just did). The problem is, I haven't been able to get an agent who likes them enough to sell them. Notice I say 'likes them enough', it's not that those that have read them haven't liked them, just not enough to jump on the Kelly train.

A  few weeks ago, I started thinking of what to do when this fourth novel is complete. Do I start on another? Send out a hundred more queries? Or just stack it on top of the others? Personally, I think four unpublished is enough. I need a hobby that doesn't revolve around rejection. Maybe I'll sit on the porch and count the cars that go by instead. Yes, I'll stack this one on top of the others and shove it in a box.

We all have our own monsters; mine are typed in 12 point font.

Maybe, I thought, I am the Van Gogh of writing. Maybe, after I die, my kids will find a stack of manuscripts, read a few and decide, 'these aren't so bad'. Maybe they will find someone to take them on, and I'll be posthumously famous, my kids earning royalties for the rest of their lives. Vincent, like me, was agentless. He peddled his wares on a street corner and perfected his craft in a mental institution. Not exactly what I had in mind, but after reading thirty-plus versions of "I love the story but..." I decided it was time to embrace my inner Van Gogh.

Last week, while I was hacking off my ear, I heard the notification 'ding'-- Another email from an agent. I didn't want to look, but thought, what the hell. I put down the straight razor and read a familiar first line..."I love the writing, but..." As I continued to read, though, it didn't actually seem like a rejection. Instead, it was a suggestion for a tweak to the manuscript and ended with:

"What do you think?"

"I think I should find an old newspaper to wrap this ear in," was my first thought, but I didn't know if this particular agent would appreciate my dark humor. Oh, hell, of course she would. She just read THEY CALL ME CRAZY. "And she liked it, but...."

So I responded (I left out the ear part), and attached a chapter revision that addressed her 'but'.

And today, I sewed my ear back on.

THEY CALL ME CRAZY

Represented by Svetlana Pironko

Author Rights Agency

You Really Gotta Know the Agent by Lorca Damon

Considering that I have recently been querying my dark humor novel And They Call Me Crazy, the following emeralds of wisdom from Lorca Damon are not only funny, but very timely.  Thank you for this one, Lorca!

Lorca Damon

I am an unloved writer. I’m one of the hordes of would-be novelists who is still trying to break through the Great Wall of Publishing, one brick at a time. The first brick: finding an agent.

I have to admit that I queried about one hundred agents with my first novel. I got only a handful of requests for the full, and then nothing. I put that book in a drawer, so to speak, when my life got busy with some super cool projects and changes. I actually pulled it out of said proverbial drawer last week and oh my god the writing is a bunch of shit. I sounded like I was trying to use every 25-point word I knew. And this was supposedly young adult. I wanted to beat me up for being such a nerd, and I wasn’t even a teenager.

Luckily, my writing got way better (See? I can talk like a teenager) and I wrote a book that an agent actually adored. Here’s how the timeline went:

Late April 2011: queried agent

Late August 2011: she requested the full

Late September 2011: the book won a contest that I forgot I had entered and the prize was a greenlight to submit to a major publisher; emailed the agent to let her know, we Skyped about it on video chat for an hour, we emailed a million more times; then nothing happened.

Late January 2012: heard from the publisher, they loved it but couldn’t publish it after their lawyers said the estate of J D Salinger will eat us all for breakfast; emailed the news to the agent, who said she finally decided the she loved it and wanted to represent it IF I made some revisions and we began another 50 back-and-forth email conversations.

Late February 2012: gently nudged the agent in an email to see if she liked those revisions; she said she did, but she still had some thinking to do.

Early May 2012 (more than a year after I queried her): gently nudged the agent in another gently nudging email; she responded with her concerns and said she would make a final decision by the end of the month.

Late June 2012: I still haven’t heard a peep

.

Now, this is where authors (especially successfully self-published authors) start to roll their eyes and talk about everything that is wrong with the industry. Yes, it moves at a snail’s pace. No, it may not be any more lucrative to traditionally publish than to self-publish. But I have to point the finger of blame once and for all:

This fell through because of me.

What? How is this possibly your fault, Lorca? You did everything you could! You entered contests! You kept in contact while still giving the agent her space? You made the revisions she asked for even though it was YOUR book! How could this possibly be your fault??? (I know what you’re thinking because I thought those same things for a while)

This is how it’s my fault: all my contact with the agent had been because of a referral, then through email and Skype. When I finally wandered over to her agency website one day to see if there was any news of her actually dying, I was horrified.

There were kittens all over it. Yes, pictures of kittens as the motif. She was a children’s book agent. She reps books (presumably) about kittens. I don’t write about kittens unless someone is having to eat feral cats to survive.

Despite learning that she wanted to branch out into YA fiction, I chose the wrong agent for the job. She had told me she was “having trouble getting behind my other projects,” which is industry lingo for “I may not be the right agent for your work.”

So? Suck it up and rep my book, right? Wrong.

I read an interview with an agent who had rejected the Harry Potter series when J K Rowling was just a lowly querying-stage author like the rest of us. The interviewer asked this agent if he was kicking himself now for not taking on the boy-wizard and the agent immediately and firmly said, “No.” His reason? He said those books never would have BECOME the Harry Potter series if he had taken the project, because that’s not what he represents. And that takes guts to admit.

People die in my books. Whole towns full of people. Dogs even die in my books, and not from old age or a rabies bite that he got while protecting the little kid. A teenager pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in my book. It was important to the story (I don’t just have a thing against dogs) but it was too disturbing for her. She wasn’t the right agent for my kind of books, and God bless her for even trying. She likes my writing, just not my subject matter. And that doesn’t make her unprofessional or a lousy agent. It makes her one of the best, in my opinion, because she’s willing to say, “I can’t take this book as far as it should go because it’s not what I do.”

  

Lorca Damon is a teacher in a juvenile correctional facility and staff writer for GoodEReader.com. Her first non-fiction title, Autism By Hand, is an Amazon bestseller and her first fiction title, The Earth is for Dancing, was recently published as well. She is also one of the funniest people I know.  You should stalk her at

Her website:  lorcadamon.com

Twitter: @LorcaDamon

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